Let me start by saying you have my permission to laugh at me as you read this true story. 

I just got back from a trip to Spain and it was lovely! Aside from a new collection of beautiful glass water bottles, I also took home a new phobia! It all started so innocently…

We had just stopped in Cartagena after a two-hour road trip. We were going to see some Roman ruins, (Yes, I said we were in Spain). We made a quick detour to the restroom before finding our first adventure. The restrooms were single room with a solid door. So I went in one and hubby the other. As I tried to exit, I found the door was stuck! I turned the lock and tried to get our but it wouldn’t budge. I could see the stryker plate and as I twisted the lock multiple times the deadbolt never moved. PANIC set it. 

Panic set in, all my logic went with it. I started banging on the door to and yelling “Ayúdame!!!”  All while continuously turning the lock. Could I really be stuck in a bathroom in Spain??? There was a voice on the other end, not my husband, but a young female asking in Spanish if I was trying to get out. (Even in the midst of my panic, I was pleased that I was able to communicate with her) I continued to try and break free, while also trying to text my husband that I was stuck. 

Then all of the sudden… I was free!! I saw the face of my teenager helper, and my husband on the other side.  I was both relieved and horribly embarrassed! My pride was hurt. In that instant picked up a phobia of bathroom locks!  If you don’t think you can have a fear of bathroom locks, I am living proof! 

The rest of the trip I was very observant of bathroom locks. Sometimes I  would ask my husband to stand guard on the single room restroom so I wouldn’t have to lock the door. If that wasn’t possible I would first test the locks to make sure I could get out. I wish I could tell you that was just an isolated incident and the rest of the trip was uneventful; BUT I am an over achiever! While in Barcelona, I still managed to think I was locked in a bathroom when I didn’t even lock the door. I literally mistook pushing and pulling to exit, so when the door finally did open, it was with such herculean strength and noise that is drew attention of people waiting in line!! Now I am back home, and I hope I left that irrational fear in Spain. Time will tell. 

This whole international bathroom incident reminded me of other times in life when I had to face my fear over my worst-case scenario. Like when I was going through in-vitro and we only had a single surviving embryo, our ice baby. You know how I learned combat those fears? I heard about a trick in a conference once. Write the fear down on once side of a piece of paper and on the other side answer, “what’s the worst that can happen if this fear comes true?” When you acknowledge your fear, and stop suffering in silence with all the ‘what ifs’, Satan loses his power over you. 

Thinking back to my biggest worst-case scenario fear; it would have to be in-vitro. Unfortunately my worst fear for in-vitro is exactly what happened. We went through all the physical and emotional pain, financial expense, and body damage and our babies didn’t survive. But what was the worst that can happen?……..  For me, I never saw a positive pregnancy test. I never got to experience pregnancy, and worst of all I never got to see my babies, hold my babies. 

Years after my baby losses, I was able dive deeper and unpack my worst fear further. Instead of more negatives, I uncovered an enormous blessing hiding in all the hurt. ALL my babies are safe in Heaven. They will never know the troubles and pains of this world. My babies remain my precious perfect angles forever, and one day, I WILL get to meet them!

God has us each on our own healing journey.  I truly believe God allowed this heartbreak in my life, so I could help other hurting mamas. That is the sole purpose of this blog.