Confession time. I am the world’s most competitive person. This may surprise you since I don’t look competitive. (WAIT…. What exactly does competitive look like?)  My husband would be the first to agree with the title I have bestowed upon myself. I am guessing he understood the true level of my competitiveness when we were honeymooners. Ya’ll we had to give away the board game Risk to stave off any future marital issues! True story mamas.

The most comical part of my competitiveness is that I can be competitive even when NO ONE else sees it. It is about to get a little embarrassing mamas. Perfect example is the lowly fit bit, (which I happened to be obsessed with). No one sees my Fit Bit goals. But since there is an expectation set for me with the daily goals, I must accomplish them! In the early days, my compulsion to these imaginary goals had me barefoot, running in place next to my bed, in my pajamas, just to meet my daily step goal!

My competitive streak surfaced even in my nine-month in-vitro waiting period purgatory. My type A personality, combined with my try everything to start a family resolve, was officially over. My husband and I had finished our race, and we ended with a single surviving baby. My body had to heal from the roller coaster in-vitro put it through. I had months and months and months of being in this waiting limbo. How do you prepare your heart for two extreme possibilities? Will my ice baby survive, or will he be my 13^th and final baby loss?  

For nine months, I tried to manage my fear, my doubt, my faith. In those nine months, began the seeds of this ministry. I didn’t want to water these seeds because it felt like a betrayal to my ice baby. But I had to prepare myself for two outcomes; joy or soul crushing heartbreak. I had to try and reconcile why God would allow this journey if it ended with my shattered heart. I needed to be prepared for my worst-case scenario because if my path was more heartbreak I was determined not to allow satan or bitterness or pity change me. This is where my competitiveness shone the brightest.

This resolve did not lessen the immense, indescribable, grief that awaited me when my Ice Baby did not survive. But the purpose and the passion that was brewing within my shattered heart was PALPABLE. In the greatest heartache of my life, birthed an unparalleled passion and purpose.

Mamas, competitiveness drives me to be the best at fulfilling my God given purpose here on Earth. My glimmer of hope in the midst of my baby loss tragedy is I now have a Heavenly audience.  I want to make my babies proud of their mama.

Mamas, who is in your Heavenly audience? Who is cheering you on and waiting for you at the finish line? Lets make them proud!!!