It is humbling when you realize your 8-year-old niece ‘bubby’ is braver than you. This happened recently when I got a video from my bubby’s recital. In her rendition of “Hallelujah”, she sings like an angel and has the poise and confidence of a young woman. I couldn’t believe my eyes or my ears. (Nor could I ever picture myself singing in front of a group of strangers, at any age!)
As I watched her video for the 27th time, I was brimming with pride for the beauty of the words sung by this innocent 3rd grader, and her courage and her composure on this performance date. Tears started falling down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop them. My mind began to ponder: Is this how God sees me? Is He brimming with pride when He watches me? Am I accomplishing the purpose He created me for?
Always the overachiever, I have lived my life for the approval of others; parents, family, teachers, friends, co-workers, bosses. I was the good student, the good daughter, the good friend, the good employee, the good wife, and I would have been the good mama too. Ice baby was the first time I couldn’t ‘achieve’ my way to a goal. I know in my heart, our fertility journey wasn’t a failure. But man, it sure feels like it at times. I have to remind myself, I am blessed because my babies are waiting safely in heaven, untarnished by this world. Protected. They are good!
Post ice baby, the overachiever Jackie has had to try and strike a balance. Always questioning, am I doing enough? Am I good enough? Am I enough? These are the hard questions I wrestle with now. Mamas, we need to remind ourselves there is no: Am I good enough? Jesus is enough for us. The Hallelujah lyrics my bubby sang during her recital perfectly capture our ‘mama’ human condition; the highs, the lows, the mighty falls…… and (I am adding to the lyrics here) the not good enoughs.
Mamas, may it always be “And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah” My prayer for my mamas walking this journey with me, in our peaks and valleys, may we always be able to sing our Hallelujah; even if “It’s a cold and broken Hallelujah”.
Ice Baby Ministries 