I have heard parents say that with each child you have your heart grows in order to love that child just as much. (If this truth is literal, than my friend with 6 children has the biggest heart ever!) I never understood this heart doubling parental phenomenon…. Until, one day, we had a much-anticipated phone call from the hospital about our own babies. The news on the other end shook me to my very core and I was left with an ache in a part of my heart I never knew existed. Phenomenon experienced.

We left the hospital 5 days prior. My egg retrieval was complete and they made our 12 perfect babies. The next 5 days the embryos (my babies) would be watched to see which ones survived and became viable. I had done extensive research knowing every step, and every statistic possible in my in-vitro journey. Applying my Jackie math, I was expecting at least half to survive the 5-day waiting period. I had to accept my statistic; this was the path God had me on. Unbeknownst to me, on that particular Monday, my peace and my heart would soon shatter into a million tiny fragments.

The phone rang on that cold January morning. It was our hospital in-vitro liaison. This was the call we were expecting. I had heard nothing for last 5 days. My inner optimism tried to assure me that they absence of hospital contact meant only good news. Beyond this thought, most of my recollections of the 5 day waiting period are trapped in a memory fog.

Feeling the zing of the cold outside air, I picked up my ringing phone. I braced myself as the liaison informed me that 11 of my 12 babies did not survive. We had only a single survivor: our ice baby. It was in that very moment, sitting alone in my car, outside my office, I had an ache in a part of my heart that I had never knew existed. It was as if my heart doubled in size and then broke into a million tiny fragments all in one short phone call. I had just experienced heart doubling parental phenomenon.  

“My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”  

    Psalms 139: 15-16

Mamas, when we experience these soul-crushing life moments, there is no right way to act, to respond, to pray or to heal. You have to let your emotions out. God can handle it. Allow yourself to be filled with grace for yourself, and others, as you walk the tear-stained road every mama dreads.

I am grateful now for the memory fog God has given me with my in-vitro journey. The hard memories that I still remember, are enough. I don’t want to remember every tear, desperate prayer, or sleepless night. Mostly, I am grateful that I gave God the glue and let Him mend the pieces of my heart. He knew exactly how to fit those million tiny fragments back together.  

Mamas, trust God with your memories, and surrender your glue.