It was a lovely Saturday morning. Fall was coming, and temperatures were dropping. My hubby was locked away in the bedroom studying, and I had a morning to myself. Since the smoke in the air had finally cleared, I was able to get outside: my happy place! On my walk a word came to me. It was a word I didn’t know I was searching for, until it arrived. This angst now had a name!
September is always my month of contemplation. This month marks a decade anniversary since I lost my last baby. It is my month to celebrate the only time in my life I knew I was pregnant, regardless of how short lived. This month I have been taking stock of where God has carried me over the last ten years. Assessing how far I have come. Grading myself. Am I doing enough? Am I doing it good enough? Always the people pleasing over achiever, I want my heavenly report card now. Are You proud of my progress God?
Mamas, I am learning that our grief path is a two-part journey. Accepting God’s no, and then moving forward. I feel really good about my acceptance journey. I felt God. I heard God. I grieved with God. But with part two, moving forward, I hear silence and I feel ….. What is the word that I am searching for? What word conveys this awkward, in-between, unknown stage? Prior to today, I only knew what the word felt like. However on my morning walk, this elusive word came to me. Mamas, I feel FRICTION!
The foundation for my Ice Baby legacy work has been set. God helped me knit my way through my grief, and He gave me purpose in my bracelet ministry. These were His whispers to my heart and from my hands came these blessings. This was my acceptance journey.
Now I am left with my ‘moving forward’ journey. So here I sit mamas, hearing silence and feeling this friction. Now what? What does my moving forward look like? Is the friction I am feeling real, or created by my own unrealistic expectations? Is my daily work friction a part of the plan? Is God trying to tell me something?
So many times I have yearned for a voice from heaven. Just tell me God, and I will do it! But is that really true?… Would I really do it?….. Eventually?…….. Yes? One of my favorite biblical examples of God audibly speaking to His children happened to Elijah in I Kings chapters 18-19. Elijah was having a friction moment. To be more accurate he was having an all out mental breakdown. In 24 hours Elijah went from an amazing God moment miracle a top of Mt Carmel to fleeing for his life, scared to death of Queen Jezebel. Elijah spent the next 40 days nurturing his fear as cowered alone in a cave. He was hosting his very own pity party for one. Below is how God spoke to Elijah:
“ Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was no in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then the voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
I Kings 19:11-13
I sure hope when God reveals my ‘moving forward’ phase, I am not found cowering in a cave and asked: “WHAT are you doing here, Jackie?” !!!
Mamas, as I continue to contemplate, and over analyze what my ‘moving forward’ journey looks like, I know I need to keep my eyes and ears open (AND avoid all caves!) Keep knitting my hats, keep making my bracelets: Mamas I need to stay the course and JUST DO SOMETHING. Will God unveil his plans for me via windstorm? Earthquake? Fire? Or in a gentle whisper? Either way, my only JOB is to be ready.
When God reveals the next steps in my ‘moving forward’ journey, my prayer is He is doesn’t start with: “WHAT are you doing HERE, Jackie?”
Ice Baby Ministries 