Mamas, I am going to let you in on a secret that took me years to figure out… Are you ready?  My perception does NOT equal truth.

I envisioned my 30’s as being a magical decade when we started our family. Instead this was our decade of relocation, in-vitro, baby loss, and rebuilding. It was also a time of intense and unfamiliar isolation for me in a new community and new work location. During this period, I had very few friends my own age. I attributed this to the secret mom club.

I always felt like the odd one out.  In every new social situation, the timer is set until the inevitable ‘do you have kids’ question is asked.  Even today, I still don’t know how to answer this question. I mean, I do, but I don’t? This question has a complex answer, but the recipient is only expecting a one-word response. Mamas, if you find the right answer mamas, please share with me.   Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with this question. When meeting someone new, if you both have kiddos, there is an instant connection and someTHING to talk about; even if it is just surface chatter. I missed this huge piece of the puzzle. I took the lack of instant ‘connection’ and interest by moms as being shunned. My perception did not equal truth.  But for more than a decade I treated it as truth.

There is no secret mom club. My perception of feeling left out may have been valid, but the reasons behind it were more complex. Just imagine the ‘free pass’ I was giving myself anytime any potential new mom friend doesn’t instantly connect with me, (Hard to imagine, I know!). If I tell myself it is because I don’t have kiddos, than that it is what I believe. It is HOW I will see the world, not how the world really is. If I don’t have to take ownership of being the one to initiate a connection, then I can play the victim role much easier. I can blame it on others and hold no responsibility myself. Ouch, this hurts a little….

In my older, wiser, age I now realize all women carry insecurities. The insecurity gene is woven tightly around our X chromosome. Being a mom doesn’t automatically make all our insecurities disappear. Having a baby does not instantly transform a shy introverted woman into the gregarious life of the party. Motherhood is not a superpower, (although I do believe childbirth is!!!)

But hear me on this point; ‘Moms’ have their own issues. I have known many mom friends that get completely absorbed in motherhood. So much so, it becomes their sole identity and they forget all other aspects of themselves, relationships, and life. Sorry ladies, but God did not give us one single purpose on Earth. We were created and entrusted with so much more. None of us get a free pass.

I want you to take stock, right now.  What’s your secret misperception? What are you treating as absolute truth? What is your hurting heart nursing? Have you thought of one? Two? Three? How many misperceptions are you lugging around? What size is the luggage to carrying them all? Are your sporting a purse? Carry on? Checked baggage?

Which of your misperceptions really hold truth?  Can you lighten your load?  Throw a few misperceptions out? Downsize the luggage you are carrying?