Recently I hiked a 7-mile trail around the perimeter of a gorgeous lake. Unbeknownst to me, this was like four hikes in one: it featured Obsidian  –  Cinder – Death Valley – Secret Garden sections . At the end of my ‘four-in-one’ hike I was struck by how this days adventure so perfectly mimicked my baby loss journey. 

Mamas, take my hand, and hike with me.

My first decision on this hike was left or right, easy enough. My right turn took me through the OBSIDIAN portion of the hike. My energy bank was full. All the sparkle from obsidian rock at my feet, and my peripheral, caught my eye. I really loved to see the sparkle mixed in with ordinary dirt and rock.  My ordinary hike was turning into something special. The same can be said for the ordinary day when hubby and I intentionally decided to start our family. It was a seemingly ordinary next step in life, nothing had changed and yet everything felt exciting and sparkly.

Two years in, one miscarriage, and no baby success; my energy bank was running on low.  This life chapter started feeling heavy and hard. Welcome to the CINDER portion of the hike. This was the arduous and hot part of the hike. Unrelenting!  It felt like this portion of the hike, (and my baby loss journey) went uphill only, with the most dangerous, steep inclines and drop offs, with loose red rock underfoot.

Next up we arrived at the DEATH VALLEY portion of the hike.  Fire had run through this section a while ago leaving burned up and dead trees in its wake.  This was the ugly portion of the hike. Insert the in-vitro phase of my baby loss journey.  

Once healthy, robust, and mature trees were now reduced to dry burnt up remnants. Some trees completely decimated, others barely standing. All trees seemed to be either fire touched, or completely torched. Just like my mamas walking the baby loss path all know, we don’t escape our journey without scars. With each of my baby in-vitro set backs I became more and more like a remnant of myself.  I felt reduced to a science experiment. In the end, twelve more babies lost, countless shots and pills, test after test, and wasted hours in the car driving thousands of miles to appointments. This was the loneliest portion of my baby loss journey.

(The photo below is from our lunch spot on the lake. Notice there is active fire in the distance you can see the smoky haze on the left side of the photo)

As I came out of the Death Valley portion of the hike, it was the first time I noticed that up high there were blue diamond place markers along the trail. My friend confirmed they had been there all along, but I never noticed. Mamas, whether or not I noticed them, the blue diamond place markers were there providing reassurance that we were still on right path… BUT I had to look up. In that same way, God guided me through my baby loss path. Did I always see God’s hand in everything? No.  But does God’s provision and direction over my journey only count if I notice it? No.  

Just like the blue diamond place makers,

God was always there.

I was the one that failed to look up and notice.

The final portion of our hike was the SECRET GARDEN. I was physically tired after nearly 7 miles on foot. It was in my depleted state that a whole new landscape unfolded before me. Coming out of the barren scorched earth into lush green overgrowth and the sweet lingering smells of nature and freshness. I just discovered a vital thriving jungle, steps from the dead tree ruins. As I walked through the jungle, my body was at the final push.

Mamas, this four-in-one hike, is life.

Rested and healing, I continue to walk this same lake hike over and over again (figuratively). Experiencing the sparkle of a new life season, the pain of the uphill, the barrenness of the fire, and the healing of the garden.

Mamas, I don’t know what part of the baby loss journey you are currently hiking. But I hope this encourages you to keep moving forward. When you feel like you can’t take another step. Look up! See the blue diamond place markers along the way.  Your healing is on the horizon.