Good news! My weird travel phobia now officially spans multiple countries. My hope is this may just be the last time I write about this phobia because I may have found the cure.

Last fall we had the most magical trip to Paris. We saw all the sights and did all the things.  Yes, we encountered my enclosed tomblike circular stair phobia multiple times, but that did not diminish this once in a lifetime adventure!

St Chappelle is the famous church with the stained glass. To see this magnificent stain glass in all its glory, you must go to the second level. Yes, I said SECOND level; this tidbit will provide much-needed context for my embarrassment.  Keep reading mamas…

Based on the outside architecture, one could easily deduce it would be a short trip up the tomblike enclosed circular stairs. However while making our brief ascent, it felt unusually long. There should not have been this many stairs. I had a mini moment and I stopped following hubby and attempted to go down the super tight circular staircase. Of course this is a one-way staircase for good reason, because I ended causing a traffic jam with tourists who were coming up. Right as this friendly clash happened, hubby called down that he made it on the second level and it wasn’t much further.  So once again, I had to change directions. This time I was ascending the circular stairs in the middle of a pack of strangers, with no hubby to hold onto. It was the perfect punishment for my ridiculous reaction.  

The irony of this embarrassing story is I managed to spend MORE time in the claustrophobic staircase than IF had I just kept going up the stairs like a normal human being.

What a difference a season makes.  Fast-forward 8 months.

We were now in Ireland, and it is spring. Time to pucker up and kiss the most famous stone in all of history. As we were approaching Blarney Castle on foot, I started seeing the 1-hour, and then 30-minute wait signs. Only then did it dawn on me that I was about to be trapped in a tomblike circular stair tower.  I had been too distracted earlier after a harrowing day of driving on Ireland’s NARROW roads. I didn’t make the very obvious castle, tower, and tomblike stair connection. When it finally came time to enter the claustrophobic stone stair sphere, I tried something I had never done before; I put in ear buds and listened to a podcast. Soon I was trapped in a line of people, claustrophobic, confined, stuck, but blissfully distracted. Must have been some podcast, eh?  

What was different between France vs Ireland?  

The difference was I didn’t allow myself to chicken out in Ireland. I couldn’t. I knew the castle tower was higher. I knew the line was slow moving.  I knew I was going to be stuck and I knew I had to be okay with it because there was no escape option.  All of this seems so counter intuitive. Knowing all this in advance should have made it worse, instead of better.  But it worked! P.S. I am pretty sure the podcast distraction was the cherry on top!

For my grieving mamas, I write this today because there were so many points in my baby loss grief journey where I could not allow myself to chicken out. Times where my grief phase was slow going. Days and weeks where life just felt stuck.  I had public moments where, out of the blue, tears would just start rolling down my cheeks. In these moments, I wanted to escape and turn invisible. I could not make the tears stop. Even today, more than a decade later, when I talk about my baby loss journey, I never know if I will make it without tears. It is a surprise every time.

Mamas, we have to make ourselves push through the hard times, in order to get to the good times. I am here to tell you there is life on the other side of your grief. When you face the hard parts of life, it gets easier with each additional encounter.  

You can do this! Keeping going!