Mamas, when is enough, enough? As I begin a New Year, it is time for me to put my past failures to bed.

Professionally I am a glutton for punishment.  I have stayed in negative working environments longer than I should, across several different employers. Each attempt to flee thwarted by my own stubbornness. One delayed escape was because I was so laser focused on leaving only if I could move to my ‘dream’ employer. I finally got the hint after I applied nine different times, failing to even secure one single interview with this ‘dream’, now renamed nightmare, employer!

Not one to learn a lesson the first time, imagine the shame I felt this week when I tallied up the number of positions I had applied for, and got rejected from within my current employer. I set a new record for myself; fifteen! Yes, mamas, I have applied for, and was rejected from, fifteen different positions in under four years.  Some may call that persistent, but at the end of the day, I just feel pathetic.

Why do I allow all this professional rejection?

One of my most decisive moments came in personal life. I made the decision to stop after a single round of failed in-vitro.  My husband I lost our twelve angels in less than a year. We both knew we were done. We were, tapped out, and not signing up for another potential round of this soul crushing grief ever again.  There was tremendous relief in knowing my husband I were perfectly aligned on our timing and accepting of God’s no.

My in-vitro journey, like most of life’s trials, left me feeling powerlessness. But even in the emotional chaos of grief, I knew my stopping point. In my in-vitro baby trial, I knew when to say ‘enough’.  The power to STOP was mine.

(Every mama is going to have a different stopping point.  There is no right time, or one size fits all in our baby journeys).

I can’t help but wonder, why my ‘stop’ button seems to work personally, but seems broken professionally?  But, I have a current working hypothesis…

I think my professional friction highlights my ongoing struggle.  I am dealing with the  natural and daily consequences of God saying no to my baby dreams. Instead of being at home and raising my babies, I am waking up every morning slogging away at a computer.  My work, my profession, serves as continual friction in my baby grief and acceptance journey; like wet sand trapped in my clothing, constantly rubs up against my skin. It’s irritating and always present.

I have to remind myself frequently, we aren’t promised a perfect life here on earth mamas.  We have to get rid of this harmful thinking; this is how friction is introduced into our life.

The truth is I am exactly where God has placed me. Clearly, since I have tried fifteen times in four years to change my professional surroundings. Each attempt to flee, I have been given a resounding NO.  Take the hint Jackie!!!

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“Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrow. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33 NLT

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The good news is all of life’s struggles have an expiration date.  At one point in the future, there is professional relief! At the very least, I will eventually retire. I won’t have to slog my professional life away behind a computer forever. In the meantime I have to thank God for unanswered prayers; trusting there is a reason I keep getting rejected. 

Take heart mamas, if you have trusted Jesus, you do get a perfect eternity surrounded by your babies.  (See Need a Best Friend tab).

Heaven is on my horizon.