One of my most obvious struggles post baby loss, has been my career. You don’t have to read too many of these entries to notice that professional friction is a prominent theme in my writing.  

While drudging through grief, I had to juggle the chaos of life, and my profession. It was a lot. I had to figure out how to rebuild this new life that was thrust upon me. I wanted it to be filled with purpose and acceptance but how do you do that while working a job you don’t like?

Present day, I still have to force myself behind the desk, 40 hours each week; knowing this was not the life I envisioned.  But I have figured out my purpose and acceptance part of life.  I don’t have to like something in order to accept it.

None of us like when God says no. I think this fact is written in our DNA. It’s been 13 years since I lost my last baby. Only recently with the help of hindsight, have I realized just how profoundly my professional life has shaped my entire life. Each employer has made an indelible mark on my personality, and outlook. 

My professional life can be split up into four categories, based on my four grown up jobs:

Foundation, Flight, Fire and Free

You don’t make it 20 years in the same profession without having a solid foundation. My first employer gave me safety, space and support to learn and grow in my craft. It was here that I discovered I was good at this line of work. It was here that I felt like I was working with family. This was the FOUNDATION phase of my career. I would have to stayed cocooned with this this employer indefinitely if God hadn’t thrown a monkey wrench into my plan.

My second employer I went a completely different direction. Instead of working for corporate America, I decided to get into social services. I would now save the world.  I didn’t understand the personal danger that was an inherent byproduct of this particular job. It was the opposite of safe and supportive. This job was volatile and dangerous, both inside and outside the office. This was the FLIGHT phase of my career. I ran away, sprinting back to corporate America.

For my third employer I had hoped once again to find my safe space, my family.  I was trying to recapture the magic of my first employer. Instead, it was here that I had the most challenging boss of my life. Luckily I was her favorite, I knew what would happen if I wasn’t. Every week it seemed like we got another “So and so is no longer with the company” email. We were a small company, and it felt like they would soon run out of employees to terminate. This was the FIRE phase of my career.  Though I was not fired, this irrational fear remained chained to me my entire tenure at this company.  

My fourth and current employer is where I have entered the FREE phase of my career. I now hold over twenty years of working wisdom. I am an expert at this point.  In my current stage, I am FREE. I am free to avoid the normal professional stressors; no corporate ladders to climb, no extra projects to make me look good on my year-end. I can just be left alone. I like this stage.

Each of these professional phases was on purpose, for a purpose. I learned valuable lessons with each employer.

What about you mamas?

Can you take the same walk down memory lane? Can you see how a series of employers, relationships, or trials built on each other like a game of Jenga? Where each phase was making you stronger, more stable, and ready for the next life challenge?

Mamas, imagine what would have happened if I had started my career in the FIRE stage? I would have never had the time to lay my professional FOUNDATION to survive two decades in this profession. If I didn’t have a solid foundation, I wouldn’t have had the sixth sense to know danger and run away in from FLIGHT stage.  And it I hadn’t experienced foundation, flight, and fire stages, I would never know how grateful I am to be in the FREE stage of life.

If these Jenga blocks were not stacked in the exact order that God intended,

I would not be the mama I am today.

I like this mama.

Life feels like one problem, trial or tragedy after another. It can feel exhausting. But when you see life as a game of Jenga with hard things building on top of each other– you can actually see God custom fitting your armor.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.

Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take the stand against the devil’s schemes.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,

but against the rulers, against the authorities,

against the powers of this dark world and

against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Therefore put on the full armor of God,

so that when the day of evil comes,

you may be able to stand your ground,

and after you have done everything, to stand.

Stand firm then with the belt of truth buckled around your waist,

with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

In addition to all this, take up your shield of faith,

with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit,

which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.

With this in mind, be alert, and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

Ephesians 10: 6-18 (NIV)

Humor me mamas.

Try playing your own game of Jenga today,

and activate your hindsight superpower!