It was bound to happen one of these days… Despite my meticulous planning, an over abundance of caution, and private eye level observation. When I say meticulous, that is exactly what I mean; the mail had been delivered, no strange cars outside. All the boxes were checked.

This was inevitable; everything I planned so ardently against was bound to happen; eventually…  It was only a matter of time, and today was the long awaited day! I was caught!

Our home rests on a corner lot, sunken, with a rock wall that provides semi privacy around a quarter of our house. This is where my hot tub is situated. Yes, my hot tub is technically in my front yard; but not really, really.  Since its purchase and winter time use, I have been convinced that the most embarrassing thing in the world for me would be to be in my hot tub when the mailman arrived. I have made it my life’s mission to make sure this very scenario never happened!

Well that most embarrassing thing happened today. Only it wasn’t the mailman! You just can’t predict a UPS delivery. Yes, moms, it is true. I was got caught in the hot tub when the UPS driver delivered a package to my home.

Part of me wonders if I somehow willed this to happen; like a cosmic joke played out.

Thankfully this UPS employee masterfully defused my embarrassment. He was quick witted as he approached my front door joking that he was jealous. Kinda the perfect response I needed to hear in that moment. Perhaps he is at home now also recounting this very same story; “You’ll never guess what I saw today”.  Think of all the stories a UPS driver has to tell? I hope mine is not top of list.

This isn’t the first time I have been embarrassed in public mamas, nor will it be my last.

My embarrassment is usually of my own making. I am convinced God created me mostly for entertainment value. I know my husband would agree.

I remember the first years after losing our last baby; I had a long spell of uncontrollable ‘out of nowhere’ crying spells. I wanted to force myself through grief as quickly as possible. I had a plan to make myself heal; alone.  I wanted to make my heartache purposeful, crying and being sad were not on my agenda. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize the more I tried to suppress the tears, the longer this phase lasted.

A few months after we lost our very last baby; ‘ice baby’, my husband and I were out to celebrate my birthday. We were still newish to this town and there were a lot of restaurants still left to try.  It was here that I had one of my unstoppable crying sessions.   Fancy restaurant, all dressed up, cue the water works.

My mamas reading this, and anyone that has walked the grief trail, knows when you try to stop crying, it only makes it worse. Its like telling yourself not to think about a pink elephant in a tutu. NOW, be honest, are picturing a elephant in a pink tutu right now?

Not one to learn my lesson, I tried with all my might to curtail the tears during this dinner. There was no willing them to stop.  I am sure,  we spent our dinner, with restaurant guest thinking they were witnessing the world’s longest break up meal. My poor husband.

On a funny side note; years later when we were buying our house from a private seller he mentioned that we looked familiar. We played the ‘where do you work’ game trying to figure out where we may have crossed paths.  Would you believe he was a waiter at that infamous restaurant from that infamous ‘celebration’ night? I wasn’t brave enough to tell him WHY we would have been such a “memorable” couple.

Even after this ultra embarrassing crying dinner, I still remained determined to power my way through the grief, like a sad bull in a china shop. Finally after one too many public displays of tears, I joined a grief share group at a local church. Mamas, this was the best and most important step I took in my healing journey.  Like most life lessons, it took me years to get there, but when I finally surrendered, true healing awaited.

The valuable lesson here is to control the controllable. I can’t control when the UPS man arrives at my house; obviously!  And for my mamas in the throes of grief, you can’t control when the tears fall; even if it happens to be in public, during a date!

So what happens when it happens? The good news is you will learn you can’t die of embarrassment; I have tested this theory multiple times.  Life goes on, and you live to fight another day.